Empathy… A gift after surviving domestic violence.
Once upon a time, in a life long ago, I lived a very different reality. One filled with fear, pain and shame. A life ruled by domestic violence.
Thankfully, those days are long-gone and I am a strong survivor, now with a wonderful life.
Why am I reliving this and writing about it now?
I happened to stumble across something I wrote about part of my experience, not long after escaping that toxic and terrifying life, in relation to the reactions and perceptions of those around me once they knew my reality.
Domestic violence is a silent scourge in our community and there are many who are trapped and helpless. They want to get out and just be safe, but for so many reasons, are unable to.
I felt it timely to share this part of my story as an encouragement and support to those silent sufferers. My hope, that they can know their value as human beings, trust that they can get out, their life will be better and they are strong enough.
Also, to encourage those people blessed to not have had experience with this insidious part of our culture, to exercise empathy and kindness towards those who sadly are living with the monster of DV. You don’t need to understand it. You don’t need to agree with choices of others. You certainly are not required to approve of another person’s life.
However, what are absolutely essential to humanity are love, kindness and empathy.
By displaying those traits and treating those around you with kindness, you will, without having to do anything else, have lightened their burden and maybe even provided a man, woman or child stuck in a terrible situation, with the “lift up” (instead of a push down) that they need to get through the next day just a little bit better.
That is powerful. That is something that everyone is capable of.
For me it was a challenging and confronting time after having left that situation. The response from friends, family and colleagues was a mixture of surprise/care/concern/support and also extreme discomfort.
Unfortunately, there was also harsh judgement towards myself and the situation I had left, sadly from the most unexpected sources.
Thankfully, though, these were the minority.
There are always those in life quick to judge and make thoughtless, hurtful remarks – it’s just what happens.
Failure. Weakness. Stupidity. Just an act. Attention seeking.
These are some of the attributes projected onto me by some closest to me. It was incredibly hurtful, and for someone already crushed with self-doubt, no self-esteem and struggling to get through minutes, let alone days, was soul-destroying. It was pretty awful!
Why would these be their responses? Possibly they were immature in their own life experiences and judgemental in their outlook or simply had no comprehension of what it means to be in a horrific relationship and be constantly violated and abused.
They had no knowledge of the guts, determination and tenacity required to get up day after day, after being either (or both) physically and emotionally beaten, and present a “normal” facade to the world and wherever possible to your children and family.
To hold down a job and be successful in your chosen field when just the act of breathing is often overwhelming – how can that possibly be failure? How can consistently working towards the “dream” of a good life & loving family and keeping promises and showing strength through adversity, fighting to always maintain personal values even at risk of death possibly be weakness or failure or the self-serving need to be “right”?
Even more so, the fortitude and courage expended to LEAVE. Not just the relationship, but financial security, your home, your life, your routine, every single thing that is familiar to you. To forge a completely new life, completely alone, with nothing, yet with the very real, very heavy, requirement to provide everything to make life safe, all on one small set of shoulders.
To take that first terrifying step.
To go through court, police, ugliness and down the track, being stalked, threatened, frightened, and still able to, every day, put on a smile that you are alive, work 2 jobs, be a positive role model for your children and guide them through their emotions and their trauma whilst dealing with your own.
Months down the track being overwhelmed with the enormity of what you have gone through and how the hell you’ve kept it together so far and how on earth you will be able to continue to do so, wondering when, after all these years life will ever become “normal” and “easy”. But knowing you can and you will – whatever it takes!
I am glad that some people have small minds in relation to domestic violence as that means they, and their families, have not experienced the horror of it.
What I object to is the unreasonable, unloving and unkind judgement that comes with their wonderful safety.
No woman, child, or man should ever be subjected or exposed to domestic violence.
However, that, in our society, is not reality.
Those that are subjected and do suffer, should experience nothing but warmth and empathy from everyone around them. Particularly once they have made the inexplicably brutal and traumatic changes required to remove themselves and their loved ones, from the deadly and toxic situation they were in.
Failure?? Weak?? Stupid??
NO.
