Because it’s your life…
It’s your life anyway!
There are a lot of catch-phrases these days with the message of ‘Live your best life!’ ‘Be the best version of you!’ or ‘Create your own reality!’ I guess there’s merit in those terms, but to many people, these statements create a feeling of anxiety or frustration. Why? Because those statements are vague and provide you with no framework for how to achieve the goal. ‘Live your best life!’….. What does that even mean? What does that statement say? It says the person needs to achieve something other than the life they actually live. It implies that they are less than what they should be and are somehow letting themselves, or others, down.
Well, that’s one perspective anyway.
I’m playing the Devil’s advocate here a little. Those types of statements are generally used to inspire people and encourage them to get out of a situation that may be causing them unhappiness, depression or un-fulfilment in some areas of their lives.
Quite often, we also hear people say ‘just do what makes you happy.’ Simple right?
The unfortunate truth is, for many people, they actually have no idea of what does make them happy.
These ‘positive vibes’ can quite often have the opposite effect of what was intended. They may inadvertently cause people to withdraw further from society, feel more despondent about their work, their family life, their body, their finances or whatever it is that concerns them deep in their hearts.
Here’s another approach. It may be easier to recognise what you don’t like, what doesn’t make you happy, and then work on that. Then you are dealing with what you know and what you want to change.
I can relate. While I try to always be positive, focussed and happy, there are times where those ‘positive vibes’ have to be consciously put in place before leaving the house, just to get through the day.
During a time of personal crises, after having left a relationship due to domestic violence, I stumbled across ‘Acceptance and Commitment Therapy’. It is a little goldmine! The strategies are simple, beneficial and help take the unnecessary weight off your shoulders, allowing you to farewell the constant guilt that follows you around daily. It really is a breath of fresh air!
Shrouded in guilt and suffering low self-esteem, these strategies didn’t miraculously change my life, but what they did do was give me some skills to recognise, acknowledge and deal with life-issues in a very constructive way.
The skills are interchangeable and can be used in all aspects of life and business.
Now, in times of stress, I reflect, acknowledge and allow myself time to process the myriad of thoughts flowing in and out of my mind without getting bogged up in the ‘emotions’ of them. That for me is key. Some ideas are ridiculous, so simply acknowledge they’re there, bid them a gentle farewell and move on. However, there are other thoughts that, when allowed to sit, without trying to control them, have often led to a place of resolution and calm before giving what is needed to re-route my path. It’s quite powerful.
So, rather than saying to myself ‘Live your best life Samantha!’ (Whose version of life should I be living anyway??) and ‘Do what makes you happy Samantha!’ I have learnt to look at what I’m uncomfortable with, what is negatively impacting me and why.
The result is dealing with a known quantity, recognising it and then taking action to deal with it.
The critical element is to ‘drown out the white noise’ surrounding you. By blocking out distractions, opinions and expectations of others and their perceptions, it helps to clear the mind and open opportunity to make real and positive changes to your situation.
It can take months to recognise and acknowledge the little nagging voices in your head, that feeling in your tummy, the thought that just won’t leave you alone.
The more you push those little naggers away, the more drained, restless and frustrated you feel.
The naggers need your attention!
They are there for a reason.
They are your bright mind trying to help you.
Quite often, it is the battle between external influences conflicting with your personal ideals, dreams, morals and needs that set your wheels of change into motion.
We all go through these times – that’s life! So it’s essential to get to know yourself and trust yourself, well enough to recognise the signs and take the necessary action to make things better. Or if you can’t, to seek the help you need to do so. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help.
I’ll share a small personal example with you, a situation probably quite familiar to most people.
Initially I couldn’t pinpoint what was making me so unhappy. But by blocking out the white noise and listening to my little naggers, the pieces started to fall into place enough for me to recognise the root cause of the problem at that time – the reason for me feeling so unsettled, despondent, exhausted and trapped.
By listening to what my naggers were trying to tell me, the feeling of being trapped started to weigh more heavily on me. Then something else rose up within me. Resolve! It came slowly to the surface, out of the darkness, and poked its head up towards the sunlight. It was an exciting feeling and the start of firm and positive actions for me.
So what was causing me such angst? Nothing life-threatening or dangerous or sinister, it was merely… WORK. My job was consuming me like a nicotine addict sucking on a cigarette. In this case, I was the cigarette, being picked up, put down and rolled around in the fingers of the addict for their enjoyment. I was the cigarette lifted to the addict’s lips. Burning down to ash and with each deep inhale from the addict, a little more of my spark was dampened out. The remaining ashes crumbled and fell away, leaving nothing but an ugly stub ready for disposal and replacement by the next cigarette in the pack.
I’m not a smoker. Never have been. Yet this analogy is precisely what comes to mind when describing the effect of staying in a workplace that literally sucks the life out of you. It’s not pretty. It’s not healthy.
What initially started as a great new adventure in a new workplace eventually became the root cause of the stress and anxiety that was threatening to drown me. It happened gradually over time without me realising it.
Initially, a new job is great! You learn new skills, conquer new challenges, meet some great people and become part of the team. It’s fantastic! Your boss notices your contributions and gives you a pat on the back, leaving you feeling validated and an essential team-member.
Time ticks on. Things change and someone starts slacking off. You pick up their slack, uncomplaining because that’s what teammates do. You’re in this together, right? So you do your job and some of theirs too.
A new pattern is set.
More time passes and a team member leaves for greener pastures. Due to ‘economic turndown’, they are not replaced. So, just like before, you pick up their work, uncomplaining because that’s what teammates do. Now, you do their job, part of someone else’s, plus your own.
The pattern is re-set.
This pattern continues and is now on repeat. Morale is low, people are pushed to keep picking up other’s responsibilities, and you end up with more and more on your plate.
Now, you are stressed, have constant headaches, and you are exhausted.
By this time, some of your teammates are getting paid to NOT do their job. In contrast, you are ONLY getting paid to do your job while being allocated many other people’s work because your manager tells you that ‘you are so capable and I know it will get done if I give this to you’…. And you do it…
Hours of unpaid overtime worked every day.
No lunch break.
Pressure, unrealistic expectations, demands, increasing workload.
No light at the end of the tunnel.
One day, inevitably, you do snap. You are not a machine!
You are exhausted. Your mind is in overdrive. You are unhealthy, over-stressed and ready to snap!
You are snippy with your family, withdraw from friends, don’t communicate with your partner and run relentlessly to the point of exhaustion on the figurative ‘rat wheel’.
Sound familiar?
You were so busy putting one foot in front of the other that the little naggers had no chance of getting your attention… until…. The snap.
I snapped after yet another responsibility was thrown onto my shoulders simply because a colleague was inept and I was ‘so capable and dependable’. Enough!
My self-talk at this point was ‘of course, give it to the war-horse!’ as that is how I had come to see myself. I tolerate a lot. I’m talented. I’m strong and determined, but my problem was I did not place value on myself. So I ended up the ‘war-horse’ lugging around everyone else’s backpack until I almost snapped in two.
Enough! That night saw me go home furious that this had happened again, and I was determined to put a stop to it. The little naggers were raising their voices! They were now a dull roar.
I ranted and raved at home, and continued to fume silently, had a few more sleepless nights and so many thoughts. I allowed all the ideas to bomb-dive me, and they flowed thick and fast.
The little naggers started yelling at full voice!
Finally, I listened to myself. I listened to the pent up frustration and sense of injustice that had been begging me to hear. I heard. I felt. I placed importance on me.
The resolve I mentioned earlier kicked right in. It was like being on fire! The bear had been poked enough!
In those moments of initial resolve, I set myself an actual date on the calendar that I was going to be in another job, with better pay, full respect, a reasonable workload and…. Boundaries!
After much thought and thrashing of ideas, I constructed a plan to make it happen. Then put it into action. That night.
The relief and sense of confidence over MY life and MY destiny were exhilarating.
I had taken back my power, and it felt awesome!
This resolve and plan were actually two-fold. It certainly was not my life’s dream to be working for another company, helping them reach their goals and being captive to the 9-5 grind. But I can’t just quit my job for my dream – yet. That will come. This was the first step in the big picture.
Placing importance on my value as a human being.
Setting Boundaries.
Working out a plan.
Doing the work to make that plan happen.
All the while, keeping my dreams and goals in front of mind.
What were my dreams and goals?
Becoming a freelance writer living in France. This dream had been whispering in my ears, softly and gently, for years. But after setting my boundaries and realising my worth, the whisper became deafening, and a constant friend, reminding me of what I am working towards. What I am meant to do.
In tandem with getting out of a job that had become toxic and into a position where I can do good work, be paid well and be respected, I focussed daily on the end game and putting in the work and effort required to attain my dream of being a writer living in France.
With a specific and measurable workable plan in place, plus a lot of grit and determination, the dream is becoming a reality.
Dreams require constant focus and constant work; otherwise, forever, they will remain just that. Dreams.
The satisfaction of designing your life, in line with your ethics, goals and dreams and putting a plan into motion is indescribable. Although planning and dreaming can’t shield you from trials and hardships, what it does do is keep you true to your big picture.
The first step actually begins with the last.
Don’t one day be an old lady/man, sitting in the lounge room, staring out the window wishing. Wishing you had tried. Wishing you hadn’t let fear stop you. Wishing you hadn’t let the negative influence of others stamp out your dreams. Wishing you had done things that would have put sparkles in your eyes and springs in your steps.
Maybe rather than trying to figure out what those vague ‘feel good’ slogans mean, it is better to strip back the debris and the ugly in life. To listen to the little nagging thoughts that won’t leave you alone. To say NO to what is hurting you or holding you back. And then, with gentleness and belief in yourself, take some steps that are just for you. No explanations needed.
Then, you will have the beginnings of a whole new, beautiful world – which is truly yours.